life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
bring money and cleavage
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
