I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
