is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
