peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
