I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
