I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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