I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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