I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
