i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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