I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
