i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
