at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
