i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
