Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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