I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I looked at my own cervix.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
