She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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