omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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