If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
