there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My underwear smells like fireworks.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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