While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
