im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
