i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize