i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
