She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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