her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
