i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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