Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
