I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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