Pregnant stripper...not hot.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize