I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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