So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
