hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
