Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
