Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
