if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
