I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
