life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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