somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I am spending my child support on dildos
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Couch. On fire.
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