it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
