happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She's just so happy...and so naked.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize