my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
