I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
