Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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