First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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