my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
