Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Life without a bra equals bliss.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
