bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
