so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
