I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
