you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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