He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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