i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
