...so i touched it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's rum buckets o'clock
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
