So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
