And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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