if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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