you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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