saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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