i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
