Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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