Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
