I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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