Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
