i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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