i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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