Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
