It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize