I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
