I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
