I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
